10 Ways You Suck

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Do you suck? I bet you think you don’t. And you may not. But chances are you do.

Here are 10 ways you may suck:

1. You Think You’re Better Than Everyone Else

It’s 2014, can we grow up and realize that all people are different? Stop judging everyone! You don’t know what they’ve been through. Judging other only stems from one of two places. One being you are insecure with yourself and the other being that you suck.

2. You’re a Tow Truck Driver, a Meter Maid or a Collections Caller

Fuck you, you’re the worst, you suck.

3. You Think You’re a Celebrity

This one really kills me. Do you have more than 600 Facebook friends? Is your Instagram full of selfies? Averaging 50 likes? Either you have a cute kid, cute dog, or you’re a hot girl. And if you don’t have a cute kid or a cute dog, you probably suck. You’re not important, your Facebook statuses are not interesting, and you’re not a celebrity. Get your ego in check. I suggest going to the DMV.

Speaking of selfies…

4. You’re a Selfie Whore

There has to be a mathematical equation for the amount of acceptable selfies on one’s social media outlets. I am not against selfies. In fact, I love a good selfie. And I will like the shit out of your selfie, as long as you follow the proper etiquette and don’t clog my feed with selfies, duck-faces, and stupid pictures taken in mirrors with your body and face contorted in such a fucked up way that it doesn’t even look like you.

I’m not going to write a mathematical equation because I stopped taking math ten years ago so here’s a pie chart.

Screenshot 2014-01-30 at 3.53.16 PM

5. You Don’t Say Thank You

Come on, guys. Get it together. Maybe I’m from the Midwest, or maybe you suck.

6. You Complain/Threaten/Make Passive Aggressive Statuses on Facebook

Examples:

“How you go n let a man spend all his money on you when he dont support his kids! You need those knock off gucci sunnies that bad??”

“I’m so tired of everything going wrong in my life. I hate my job, I hate my parents, I hate my ex, I hate school, I hate my neighbors, I hate my fish. Kill me now.”

“Always hilarious to hear about a trifling ho talking shit who is supposed friend that I went to high school who lived on my street who works at Zales whose name rhymes with Grittany. #bitch #stfu”

My grandma is on Facebook, keep it clean. Take that shit to Twitter.

7. You Don’t Appreciate What You Have

You could be a millionaire or you could be on welfare. Everyone has something in their life to be thankful for. Health, loved ones, shelter, opportunities, the ability to speak…….. find something to appreciate and appreciate it. Positivity brings positivity.

8. You Take Yourself Too Seriously

If you take yourself too seriously, you suck. Bottom line. Lighten up and learn to laugh at yourself.

9. You Don’t Care About the World

Conflict in Syria? Revolution in Egypt? Rape in India? Who cares?? You. Or at least should. And you should at least try to have a tiny idea of what’s going on outside of your hometown. It may not be pertinent to your daily life, but you’re a citizen of this world and a child of this planet. Don’t be ignorant. Take out ten minutes once or twice a month and read the newspaper, a website, a mobile app, anything. Catch up on the world around you a bit. You’d be surprised how the knowledge can actually shape your daily life.

10. You Think Everyone is Out to Get You

No one cares enough about you to harm you, if they do, call the police, if not, read on, and STOP thinking the world is out to get you. You may have bad luck and that definitely sucks, but you don’t have to. (see #8) If you want to change your life change it. It may not be over night but only you have the power to change your situation. No one is going to help you but yourself. No one. So get up, stop complaining, stop blaming the world, and please, stop sucking.

Meg

Meg is a redhead from Cleveland who really excels at drinking wine.

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